After a Suicide: Finding Our Way

by Rev. Alice Parsons Zulli, CGC

No human being can ever be prepared for the shock of the suicide of someone loved. The initial damage causes treacherous degrees of confusion; but over time, when one is able to step back and survey the damage, one sees that the devastation of suicide is greater than first anticipated. Life is forever changed. There is no going back and there are no quick fixes for what is ahead. There are no easy answers. Suicide is a knockout punch!

A broken heart heals slowly and cannot stand much touching right after the break. In fact, it takes so long that we wonder if our hearts will ever be made whole again. Can we believe Ernest Hemingway’s statement, “The world breaks everyone, and afterward many are stronger at the broken places.” It’s like a metaphor I once heard: “As the sun is setting, the darkness is coming, and if I try to outrun the darkness and keep running west, the sun will surely set and I will be left in the dark. I cannot outrun or avoid the darkness. But if I decide to face the darkness and run east, it will be dark, but eventually I will run into the sunrise and into the light.”

Since the darkness is unavoidable, we can absorb it and learn what it has to offer. It is only by stepping into the darkness that we can ever hope to see the sun come out again. Avoiding the reality is not the path to take. The narrow path, the uphill climb, the facing of the darkness is the slow road. It’s slow because grieving is such slow and exhausting work. No one can prepare us for the marathon of misery, and since we couldn’t have prepared for this ahead of time, we must look to others who have been thrown into this race before us. How did they climb the mountains they faced? How did they keep breathing when they felt suffocated? How did they make it through?

All of these questions have no easy answers, but they must be asked out loud to allow us to tell our stories. There is healing in speaking about suicide. We don’t have to whisper any more. Suicide is a harsh word, but it is fitting because it is such a harsh loss. Speaking about it helps to break the silence and secrecy.

I have very little control over whether another person chooses to live or die; but I can choose the direction of my own life, and I’m choosing always to remember those who were lost through suicide. I will continue to tell their stories to those who are brave enough to listen. I will continue to share these losses and admit that when they died something deep within me died as well. I will continue to help those who are losing their hope not to choose suicide, for I know the devastation and multiplication of pain it causes. I will walk on with those who have lost as I have and help them on their journey. I will continue on because I am able to choose which direction I will go.